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A place of despair and loss of will. Go home kid.

Revisiting Trauma.

Do not watch this if you don’t want to feel something.

This has been some undercurrent in my subconscience lately, whether purposeful or not it’s just there—like a well of glowing amber radiating a heat at the soles of my feet that subtly reminds me that certain things in life actually did happen. What amazes me most about this is in the reliving or recalling of these moments. A large portion of the facts are not there or just completely out of order. In the place of these holes are just powerful emotions. Sometimes so vast and too deep that the best thing to do is look back on it like it wasn’t me in my life, some of my memories take on the characteristics of far off dreams or stories that feel like they are five generations detached from me and told to me at some point in my life, but when I take the time to remember or attempt to order my thoughts, I can’t find key things I need. Just more oceans and solitude and wondering. There’s a palpable distance these emotions create. It has has a lot to do with being resentful of social ordering and how society at large participates in this order and then stems the condemnation and judgments from them about all those who even for a second question the order. I, personally, hold all things in question. I am very aware of it. I don’t move when told to, not unless of a clear and present danger or information. I don’t resist all things either, but I can’t fall in line with things that serve no greater purpose than “just because”. If you can’t give me a good reason (one of the only good reasons is simply love) to move then there’s a chance that I will not listen to where you are asking or demanding me to move to. Authority. I am no where near above it, but I find myself at odds with it since I feel the requirement that it operate with some sense of love and humanity. There’s little actual justice in the world and too much condemnation. One gives way to the other and re-defines retribution as justice. And more people die as we all play this game and give away our actual power to do something about our own destiny as a collective. You may say some people get what they ask for in death and suicide, but who said they were ever asking for that? These kinds of losses are a result to never really hearing what the symptoms of a problem actually are and essentially leaving the deeper wounds unsought for and left to fester and manifest itself as other problems entirely. No. I don’t believe punishment should for heinous ill-doings be replaced with hugs and fluffy pillows, but I do insist that we really consider who we are punishing as a society and why, which pushes even the most sane person so far as to elect to no longer be a willing participant or a pawn in the cruelty it means to be alive for some of us. Sometimes, I wonder who the real monsters are in life. We’ve put in power a system that goes goes by the moniker of Correctional Institution, but at all levels serves the dollar and is completely devoid of any actual correction or responsible reproach. We elect Judges that fear not being seen as effective if they actually use reason and heart in their decision making because they will no longer make the pay they are making and the trend passes down through every other form of judgment and control that is in place to “protect society”. Justice is just another business that pays really well and is in fact the greatest monopoly we’ve ever created. And we as the people who put it in place enable it by validating that people, once in the system for something or another are always guilty until proven innocent. It’s is the manifestation of a compassionless society that is not interested the health and well being of itself and only in what they want and who’s in the way of that. And Ashley Smith, one day was in the way and the response to her actions exacerbated her undoing and utter demise. Some of use don’t get caught in the legal trap, but we attribute guilt and box others in with our self-centric driven lives that we divorce compassion and look at all those around us who are not directly involved in our lives with the same blank, coldness of sociopath. Devoid of emotion and convinced, that at least for ourselves that “we” are the victims, not you.

The Ashley Smith Story